Luke

My read-through updates are so regularly late, it makes it seem like I schedule them :D I do have an excuse in the form of Mr Scratchy!

So. Cute. Er, right.

3. Luke 6:32-36 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. If you do what is good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do what is good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is gracious to the ungrateful and evil. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.”

God is kind even to the ungrateful; this definitely challenged me. When we are called to love, we are called to love like this and that is terrifying. And pretty obvious how to apply it – when I want to respond to anything, think ‘how do I respond in love’. I think that is some discipline to get into, there.

2. Luke 6:43-45 “A good tree doesn’t produce bad fruit; on the other hand, a bad tree doesn’t produce good fruit. For each tree is known by its own fruit. Figs aren’t gathered from thornbushes, or grapes picked from a bramble bush. A good man produces good out of the good storeroom of his heart. An evil man produces evil out of the evil storeroom, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.”

Especially the overflow of the heart part – what comes out of me reflects what is in me and I want to be sure what is in me is good.

3. Luke 6:47-49 “As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

Related to the first two: solid foundation is in hearing God’s words and putting them into practice. Which is hard, but the only sure foundation.

Envy

A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones. Proverbs 14:30

One of the things that I think God is dealing with right now is jealousy. Obviously it’s always been there, but from the normal day to day struggles that anyone would have, I have been thrown into a situation where I can ‘legitimately’ be envious of pretty much everyone and everything. If you can do anything other than sit in bed and be useless, there’s potential for me to seethe over it. But before I was brought fact to face with all this, I never even realised it was there. The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it? (Jer 17:9)

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been aware of it and trying to pray against it, but some days are good and some days are bad. Checking my facebook feed could be rewarding, but equally well I would just find myself weighed down by the many things that people I know are having fun doing. Don’t let your heart envy sinners; instead, always fear the LORD. (Prov 23:17) It’s easy to say, but hard to do. Especially bad is all of the fun times people have with their friends. It’s been difficult for me to make any close friends at all – always I’ve been too tired to invest much in anything outside of necessary work – and now I’m not in a position where I can spend much time with anybody. This isn’t what I want to be like though! I want to look at the good things that others experience and cheer them on, I want to rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. (Rom 12:15) I want a heart that can love like that. God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psa 51:10)

Last week, a friend of mine announced she was pregnant! It’s amazing news, since her husband has the man-cancer, and it was unlikely that they would manage to conceive in the short period they had to try – and possible that they would never be able to conceive afterwards. It’s one of the many ways I can see God moving at the moment in their lives.

My reaction was not fantastic though. What I wanted to feel and think was “Yes! Amazing! Thank you God for blessing them so much!” I wanted to immediately be super-excited in a very feminine way, and start daydreaming about names and baby clothes and teeny-tiny toes. What I actually felt was something along the lines of “Aw man… I’ve been spending so much of my time trying to cultivate a friendship here, and now she will have even less time for me” and then “well it’s not like we ever saw each other much anyway” /selfpity. Instead of me seeing how God has move miraculously in so many ways for them, and how He can do the same for me, I was seeing how I’m too ill to start a family myself, and I might never be well enough to have children ever. If we had a child now, I couldn’t begin to take care of them. I couldn’t even pick them up or support their head for long. I can’t give birth naturally because ME is blood-transmissive. Huge self-pity and jealousy overload, instead of me praising God for the good He is doing, and rejoicing with my friend.

I am super-ashamed.

Why am I even talking about this? Because I knew even as it was going on, that it was totally totally wrong. As Elisabeth Elliot said: “I want to be free of self-pity. It is a tool of Satan to rot away a life.” My heart could not be more out of line A good man produces good out of the good storeroom of his heart. An evil man produces evil out of the evil storeroom, for his mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. (Luke 6:45) Let us walk with decency, as in the daylight: …not in quarreling and jealousy. (Rom 13:13) Selfpity and jealousy and upset all wound up in one nasty bundle of I-can’t-deal-with-this. So, I prayed about it, and a good friend listened to my now-self-hate and prayed about it too. We prayed good! In the one day from my initial angst ridden pleadings for change and meeting up with mum-to-be, I went from the horrible mess that I was to almost crying in gratefulness for God’s mercy to them. I can’t express how much that change really was; I know I have little control over my emotions, it really does take an intervention from God to change a heart like that. What I knew in my head to be true was overwhelmingly true in my heart – praise for God and total and complete joy over what He is doing for them.

I know that in posting this I’m risking a lot – I’m revealing part of how messed up I really am (surprise, surprise). But I need to testify how God has managed to change me from who I was to who I am. As dad-to-be always says: to Him be the glory!

Rush

I feel really good today. Pre-crash good. Doing-things good. Up-and-about good. A wee bit achey of course, and my heart’s a bit fast, but… good.

I was asleep early last night, which meant I was up before midday, and I decided to start tackling the state of the flat. I’m a wife, I’m stuck in the house… Housewifing time! I figure that even if I can only do one small thing at a time, it’s worth the effort to be contributing to our lives somehow. I started with organising the DVDs and games, trying to free up some boxes for putting our non-Mr.Scratchy-friendly items in. Started out tired and slow, as always. After a while, I felt fine. I’m shifting piles like my arms don’t hurt, standing up for minutes at a time, sorting like a pro – and I don’t feel any of it!

Alarm bells.

My husband wasn’t around to spot an adrenaline rush. Fortunately, an hour or so in I realised this was odd. Part of me is saying ‘woo! You’re fine now, you’re fine, you’re getting better. This is great!’. A more sensible part is saying ‘Stop. Right now. Pace on the good days or the bad days will hit even worse.’

I know that potentially I can keep running on adrenaline for days, weeks, maybe even months. But last time I did that, the crash left me like this. Its dangerous.

I rested for a few hours, then did some more. This time, it was the shaking of my legs and sudden pain which warned me I had gone way too far. Although I did rest, I didn’t manage to calm down much, and I definitely did too much when I wasn’t resting. Hopefully I haven’t incurred too much debt, but we shall see. If it is, as I hope, my condition improving then I should get away with all this activity. If not, then I guess payback will start within a day of me calming down.

Frustration

I was going to post about how I managed to go out this week and see a bunch of people, and how it was awesome, but now I feel angry and frustrated. (It was awesome, btw. And a good indication that I might be able to manage church sometime soon, with the aid of earplugs!)

I’m angry because the government are trying to bridge their deficit by cutting funds to disabled people. They’re not just trying to get rid of the fraudsters; they’ve set a target for the number of people they want to have and they intend to reach it, even though it means no longer helping half a million people, who are classified as being too ill to take care of themselves.

I’m frustrated because we can’t do much more to stop this. There’s a group of severely ill people who have been using all of their energy to promote the cause and try to stop the bill getting through. They worked themselves so hard that now most of the leaders have been hospitalised. People are trying to use the internet to tell the world how they rely on this income, but against a media that consistantly portrays anyone too sick to care for themselves as a lazy benefit-scrounger, what chance have we got of being heard?

More anger and frustration over how the mounting evidence for physical causes of Cfs is entirely ignored, how if you go back to the doctors for persistant illness you’re treated as an attention-seeker, or surely it must be in your head because these are doctors, they would have found it if it was real! I found an article from 21 years ago exploring mitochondrial dysfunction in PVFS. TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO. How is it that doctors say this is made up?

Even more anger and frustration about how my fellow humans are treated like scum because they are ill. And how this is all going on, and nobody has any idea of it. I had no idea of it until I became so ill I had to start thinking about these things; how is it that anyone else realises what they are allowing to be done to those they live alongside?

Every day I’m more convinced that we need God to intervene in the country as a whole. So much is going wrong and badly, and it’s universally the worst off that are getting hit hardest. Our God is a God of justice, He is a God who is merciful, He hears prayers and answers them. Surely He can intervene today like He has before. He hears the cries of the destitute, so He will be hearing our cries.

So, please pray about this.

Mark

Mark 12:38 “He also said in His teaching, “Beware of the scribes, who want to go around in long robes, and who want greetings in the marketplaces, the front seats in the synagogues, and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and say long prayers just for show. These will receive harsher punishment.”

I felt this was a bit of a warning against how I could turn out if I’m not careful; dressing beautifully and being greeted respectfully etc. are all things that have a lure, and I don’t want to be lured by that but focus on God.

I had another point too which I was too tired to write out and so forgot -_-

CFS on ABC Melbourne

ABC Melbourne have done a short thingy on CFS. Worth a listen. (http://www.abc.net.au/local/audio/2012/01/17/3409665.htm)

Here’s what they say:

- the view “just get over it” is the worst possible attitude
- calling it “fatigue” in the name is misleading – it’s way worse
- no single test for diagnosis; diagnosis requires understanding condition; some tests that suggest it
- no treatment, just management strategies
- lots of unhelpful things you can do!
- “chronic fatigue” is not “chronic fatigue syndrome”
- predominantly 20-30s, but all people get it
- 10% of people who get glandular fever develop CFS from it
- CFS can follow other viruses too
- CFS includes pain, sleep disturbance, problems thinking, problems maintaining blood pressure, immune symptoms (hence syndrome)
- devastating illness
- some overlap with depression (so you need a doctor who understands both to diagnose) and you can have both CFS and depression

Matthew

Since I can’t get to that great place of sharing Biblical findings (Starbucks), I guess I ought to do it somewhere….

1. Matthew 3:8 Therefore produce fruit consistent with repentance.

I sometimes wonder how good I am at the fruit production thing, so this is going to be an intentional prayer.

2. Matthew 5:21-22 “You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Fool!’ will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But whoever says, ‘You moron!’ will be subject to hellfire.
Matthew 5:44 “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

In being unfairly treated by doctors and stuff, it’s easy to hate them. In not interacting with people, it’s easy to not love them. I feel very challenged to not be hateful towards all those who have caused so much misery to people with ME/CFS, just the same as I feel challenged to pray that God will hear us and help us. It seems odd to pray against what people do, but ask God to forgive them… but it’s right.

3. Matthew 6:25 “This is why I tell you: Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?
Matthew 7:7 “Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

This relates to so, so much. Income, food, companionship, wisdom, respite…. when you are helpless, you realise who your Helper is.

Brightness

A lot of rest has gotten me back to the point of being able to sit up and type with only minimal pain. Hurrah! Still not feeling `normal’, but being able to do things beyond lying in the dark silence suddenly feels amazing.

I played some Battlestar Galactica board game this week which was also amazing! So much fun. I really recommend it. Both times I ended up as a toaster though… I think nobody will ever believe I’m human again! The downside of the awesome gaming is that it requires sitting up and being cognisant for several hours; I think thursdays post sums up the reaction I had to that pretty well.

Other great things this week; God has been answering my prayers and keeping His promises to take care of me. I’m still attending university this semester, so I’m still funded, which means food! This is especially good because the benefit support for disabled under-25s is weird, and I might not qualify until I’ve been unable to function for 6 months. In my opinion, that’s quite a long time to go without food.

Also I have a friend visiting tomorrow – yay! Isolation is one of the worst things about this illness; I can’t just go out and see people because I can’t leave my house. I live pretty far away from folk as well, so it’s awesome when people come to see me :) wait, have I posted that already too?

Darkness

It is a bad day. I was wondering if it was okay to post this, not just because it is hard to read but because it is hard to write – the effort of entering letters is excruciating (I know what that word means). I need to rest between words. But in a few days I will forget how bad this can be, which seems impossible but to an extent I know myself. Also, I don’t think anyone will see me like this, because I’m too ill to get up. I wish my doctor would. Maybe they would believe me.

Sitting up is too painful. Lying down still hurts, but not as much. I can’t walk, I can’t wash myself, I can’t cut up my food; I can barely eat at all. I can’t lift things. Light and sound hurt. For once I can’t sleep, although I’m desperately tired and incapable of anything else. Even talking and listening are agony. This has taken over an hour and I’m running out of energy.

God, please vindicate us and save us from those who try to bury our needs, who claim this is laziness and fake, who persecute us and those who support us. We can do nothing to save ourselves. We have no hope apart from you.

More decisions

It is monday, the first day back at uni for the new semester! I had a lecture at 10 this morning but I still can’t make it in, so I guess that’s me. My advisor is treating it as a we’ll-see-how-it-goes situation, in case later on in the semester I suddenly improve (which is sensible). I think however, as I’ve said before, that this is an indication for the next few months.

So… we will see what God has for me :)