Where am I going? My whole life, up to this point, has been geared for this career path. I enjoy hard work and learning. Since I was a young I wanted to work in two areas: science and computers. I worked hard all through school so I could take the right qualifications; I self-studied my way through A-level maths, alongside my college work, so that I could get into one of the top Comp Sci universities in the world; for the last three years I’ve thrown my effort into getting a great degree. I’m currently still signed up for taking a masters course next year. Based on how much I enjoyed that, I wanted to either work in industry or continue on in academia; both these routes have interesting areas and good prospects.
But, lets be realistic. I didn’t make it to the end of the last semester; next semester is more intense and directly followed by revision and exams. I need to sleep for 12-14 hours a day, and for the 11 or so hours I am awake, carry out a low level of activity, if I can manage any activity at all. For the past three weeks I’ve been barely able to walk, fluxuating between managing to very slowly make it around the house and my legs not taking my weight at all. Resting is causing only a very slow improvement in my condition; exercising causes a very swift deterioration. Although I am most definitely keeping the option open, it’s unlikely that I’m going to be well enough to go back to uni. Not next semester; possibly not next year.
It seems like I’m faced with the end of all I have worked for.
But, theres this. Life is not about becoming a Computer Scientist; life is about glorifying God. At each step, I’ve tried to see what it is that God wants me to do. I don’t see angelic visions or hear thunderous voices, so I rely on what we all have to rely on; the Bible, conscience, wisdom. I’ve never had a calling on my life to do any particular job, or go to any particular place – but when I tried to earnestly seek God’s will for my life, I realised that He made a lot of stuff pretty clear in the Bible. I feel strongly that most people do not experience a call to a job, but all people have a call on their character. God made us a certain way, and for most people reliance on preference, ability and wisdom is enough for choosing a career that is `right’. So I have focused on following what God has made clear is the calling for all of us, and trusting that if He does have certain plans for me, He will guide me there and make them clear in His own time.
What is happening to me is out of my control, but it’s definitely in His control. I don’t feel like God is being unfair or unjust; I feel like I’m being asked a question: am I prepared to give up everything I wanted, right on the brink of achieving it, for God?
This is where I am going: I am taking my dreams, which I love, to give as a burnt offering to God on the mountain. In two weeks I will know for sure whether I can go back next semester, and if I can’t then, though it break my heart, I will sacrifice the next nine months right there. It might end up being longer than nine months, it might end up being forever; that is okay too. It’s better than okay. Where God wants me to be is the best place I can be.