I’m tired. Not just normal tired (although I am normal tired, really tired, the holiday really wiped me out and I’m even more useless than usual).
I’m tired of having to explain myself, over and over.
I’m tired of nobody believing anything I say.
I’m tired of people with Power lying about me so that they don’t have to help me.
I’m tired of being so, so desperately ill that I can’t wash myself or cook or even walk to the bathroom right now, and yet it seems like nobody believes me.
I’m tired of having to explain that I’m wearing sunglasses indoors on a dull day because I’m photophobic, and exposing my eyes to light is really painful, not because I’m trying to hide my eye movements from you in an attempt to cover up my lies.
I’m tired of form after form after form where I have to, yet again, explain the illness and disabilities that have wrecked my life, only to be told that whoever received the form doesn’t believe me.
I’m tired of people assuming I must be exaggerating all my symptoms, ’cause nobody could really be that ill and not getting any help.
I’m tired of being so tired that I forget what I was typing about half way through writing and have to give up.

I can’t believe how tired and upset I am from all this, and I’ve only been contending with it for seven months. There are people out there who have done this for years, explaining over and over that they are desperately ill and need help. There are people out there who are too sick to even do it anymore. I don’t know how they deal with it, because I am seriously running out of rope.


2 responses to “zzzzz

  1. Awwww. Lydia, that’s awful. I believe you. I know how hard it is. You don’t have to explain it for me.

    Dr. Samuel and I sat through and talked for twenty minutes yesterday about this in my situation. For me, it was helpful to have someone listen and affirm where I’m at and to say that the way the university has been treating me. It might be helpful to have an ally hold your hand in the same room. It’s like having someone grieve with you. A little bit can go a long way, especially when you feel like your person and the validity of your life is being attacked.

    Praying for you,