Just a bit of fun, since I need cheering up and probably so do some of you! If you have a chronic illness, you’ve presumably come across at least a few of these “friends”… maybe you have even been some yourself? Personally, I think I err on the side of the problem solver!
The Panacea Pusher
“<Long-term condition>, eh? You know, there’s a commonly overlooked “herb” that has a lot of “pot”-ential to help with that…”
Frequently updates you with herbal remedies for your every symptom.
Always the same herbal remedy.
“I can’t understand why you keep complaining. You don’t have anything more to deal with than anything else.”
Claims to have all your symptoms and deal with them just fine.
Apparently does everything for you for no thanks at all.
“The mind is far more powerful than you think. These symptoms are just physical manifestations of an underlying untreated psychological condition.”
Convinced that every disease is basically psychological.
Has a photo of Freud by their bed.
The Invisible Man
“Sorry, something’s come up; I’ll have to postpone my visit a day or two, or until you’re cured -whichever’s longer, really.”
Used to be really close friends with you.
Mysteriously disappeared from the face of the earth when you received your diagnosis.
The Relational Authority
“You’ll be fine – my great aunt’s second cousin’s post-lady had <chronic illness> and she was better within a few weeks.”
Takes any sign of happiness to be proof of imminent recovery.
Diagnoses via gossip.
The Alternative Activist
” Oh, I wouldn’t trust conventional medicine one jot. All that science mumbo-jumbo is just propaganda from the pharmaceutical companies to keep them in the money. Have you tried dancing backwards around a mulberry bush on the new moon?”
Always has a variety of innovative treatments to suggest.
Will probably die of tetanus.
The Sunshine Psychiatrist
“You’re only experiencing symptoms because you’re so focused on them. Just think happy thoughts and <debilitating disease> will disappear within a few days.”
Prescribes positive thinking as a cure for everything.
Still takes anti-histamines.
The “Call Me” Girl
“I’m so glad you got in touch, I really missed you but I just couldn’t work out how to dial your number.”
Always overjoyed to see you.
Never replies to your texts.
The Problem Solver
“Have you tried a, b, c, … , x, y and z? In different combinations? Are you sure? There’s a lot of combinations…”
If they don’t have a solution, Google surely does.
The “Don’t You Want To Get Better?”-er
“What are you talking about, you can’t do that? You’re sick! Go back to bed until you’re feeling 100% again! No buts!”
Convinced that if you really wanted to get well, you wouldn’t do whatever you are currently doing, or would do whatever you currently are not.